Have you ever found yourself in a group situation… maybe a classroom, maybe a group of friends chatting… and felt a question or comment welling up inside you, but you’ve been too afraid to say a word?
Do you find yourself worrying so much about what someone thinks of you, that you hide parts of yourself in case they disapprove of you, or worse, don’t like you?
And have you done that for so long… years… a lifetime perhaps… that you’ve lost your sense of self, that you find yourself thinking…
“Who even am I?”
Let me tell you sister, you know who you are. I’ll let you in on a little secret.
But first, a little about the old me…
Where it started
If you know me or you’ve read my blogs before, you know I went through a dark night of the soul. Somewhere between birth and that time, something went off track.
Perhaps it was one of the times I got in trouble for trying something new.
Perhaps, in my efforts to explore as a child, I was told not to touch something, and that stuck with me.
Perhaps the fear of what others thought of me was too much to bear.
Maybe it was that comment from my fifth form teacher, “Browne, do you really have any idea?”
Or maybe it was one of my peers laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity of my enquiry into something I should have “just known”.
Maybe it was an accumulation of all those things.
Somewhere along the line I started to believe it was better to be quiet than be ridiculed. Something in me became suppressed.
How it settled in
People pleasing became a new pastime for me. Playing small became easy. I remember being in class at high school and feeling physically sick at the thought of asking a question. What if it was the wrong question? What if people laughed because I couldn’t articulate what I wanted to say?
So I stayed quiet.
I didn’t push myself to know more about anything, I just accepted that “I don’t really know much about that”.
Where did that curious little girl go? When did I stop being curious?
As time passed
Again, if you know me, you’ll know that old me isn’t what I am today. So what happened?
I gave birth to my son, Jesse. I truly feel that having children awakened my curiosity again. I found a sense of wonderment. It was like a calling, I couldn’t ignore it. I started to see the world through the Jesse’s eyes, and I opened up to so many beautiful moments.
I started to feel myself emerging, rebirthing. Jesse’s arrival triggered in me a vulnerability that I’d never experienced. A truth that I’d never stood in. A fierce fire in my belly. A light that would transform my life.
I started to question everything. I started to really stand in my truth. People around me were shocked in their different ways because I was no longer who they knew. And for the first time in a long while, that didn’t matter.
I started to realise that other people’s opinions, while important and valuable for them, hold no power over me. Their perception of me is merely a reflection of them.
Oh… the freedom.
Did it really kill the cat?
There’s an old proverb: “Curiosity killed the cat”. It warned of the dangers of unnecessary investigation or experimentation.
Let’s look at what curiosity is exactly:
A strong desire to know or learn something.
We are born curious. It’s innate. As a child, we weren’t afraid to ask questions. We weren’t afraid to be vulnerable by showing that we didn’t know the answer.
We wanted to know “why?”. We explored. We felt everything with our whole being. Every little wonder in the world touched our soul.
And that’s how we learned. How we grew.
I’m not saying that you have to have children to rediscover your curiosity. There are many other ways to open that door. It’s all possible.
You can start by reframing those moment where:
- She got quietened
- She decided to block her throat chakra
- She started to just accept what is
Start to practice curiosity and watch your world open up.
Turn on the news – ask yourself what’s beneath it all, what’s being reported, is that true? Notice your limits. Notice which ones you’re shifting.
I want to you feel what it’s like to not be bothered by what other people think. To ask yourself, “Am I bothered?” and to be able to answer in truth, “No, I’m not bothered!” About what anyone thinks of me.
I’m curious. Who will join us next? Is it you?
Beauty, if this post has got you all curious, join me on one of my three empowerment offeringsThe #1 key to uplevelling your life